LOVE.

Love is quite a rebellious act in a country where patriarchy has its deep roots. Love in itself is a really tricky term to have a definition or explanation. Therefore the idea of love varies from person to person, which is the actual beauty of love or being in love.

To my understanding if I were to explain the majority’s understanding of love in India then it is all about oppression. (Kindly don’t jump to the conclusion that I am blind and am not able to see people who have right notions of love in India). Every time a child is hit by his/her parents, it is excused by the reason that they don’t mean bad and it is only because they love you. Of course no parents would want anything bad for their child (at least not consciously) but their hitting is definitely not love. After some years when this child- particularly girls are hit by their spouse, they automatically believe that it is out of love. The girl for this reason continues to stay in oppressive and toxic marriage, without ever questioning the idea of love. This doesn’t stop here. It continues as she and her husband too hit their child. Because this is love, as it was showered on them.

I am aware of the fact that this does not happen in every home. However in homes where is does happen at least till a particular age are no less to be ignored.

The term “love jihad” is very much in the air of Indian politics at present. To my understanding love annoys most Indian uncles and aunties. As it snatches from them the authority to take decisions for the young people around them. Every night on TV debate, uncles are so passionate that they need to save their girls. It is the patriarchal thought that makes him believe that he is responsible for the safety of women and women are basically idiots who don’t know that is good for them. I find this deeply disturbing and hilarious. I wish these uncles could see the number of rapes, marital rapes and other forms of assaults happening with women. One of these others being - these uncles not letting women take their own decisions about their education, clothes or life partner.

From my very little experience, from different relationships in life- I have come to an understanding that those who love you will support and understand you and still might not agree with you and your decisions.

Love is clearly difficult for some uncles to understand. So be a “Difficult Daughter” as Manju Kapur calls it. Fall in love over and over again. Until they get as comfortable with it, as they are with patriarchy.  

Boys Need To Stop Being Boys.

Dusting – done

Best crockery displayed - done

Sofa cover put without crease – done

The girl has changed the clothes – done

After all this is done the guest can enter the house. I can’t stop but say that this is the first and a very passive way when we start objectifying our girls. The girl needs to dress properly which by default has started to mean that her clothes shall not show even an inch of her skin. Well before you say that Swati please don’t exaggerate, nobody asked us to cover the face (it has skin too), let me tell you that it is not about the few liberties they give us, rather it is about them assuming that they have an unsaid right on us(girls).

In school my skirt was brought a bit longer than it should be and the socks a bit taller than they should be. And hence there came a point where they met. However I did find a way out, by folding my socks and wore the skirt from previous grade.  I am mentioning this incident because this factor was emphasised every time my school uniform was purchased. Somehow we have equated the safety with wearing clothes that don’t show much of your skin. A reason to buy clothes a size bigger was that they could be used for longer duration and hence this saves money, but I find it difficult to accept that this was the only reason.

If you are wondering that why am I writing this today, it is because of the anger the incident - “BoysLockerRoom” has caused in my head and in my heart. I will not be talking about the incident here because I think there is much more important thing that we need to address or else the incidents like this will not stop. I don’t know what is wrong with our society that we blame everything (from clothes to social media or education) but not boys. I feel ashamed to say that we need to teach the majority of our humans to have humanity. Funny to hear, right? But it is not.

All of us remember Nirbhya case. Very recently the guilty were hanged. 34000 rapes were reported in India in the year 2018. I don’t need to say that rape is still a taboo in India, hence many cases go unreported. So you can imagine the real numbers for yourself. I am glad that the Nirbhya offenders were punished. But can I ask what has really changed after that? Nothing I would say. There is no report that says that the cases are decreasing or showing such symptoms.

 Don’t deny the fact that you believe that the chances of a poor person committing rape is more. Well you are wrong. Check out the latest- “BoysLockerRoom” case. We also assume that rape happens because of the girl’s short clothes. We assume that by simply making rules will decrease the crime.  In Nirbhya case the criminals were not as educated to know the law, but do the educated (BoysLockerRoom) not commit crime even after being aware of the law. It is stupid to say that we have made the laws and the work is done.

I am not sure if a death sentence is right or wrong. I am still trying to study more about it to form an opinion. However we need to think about the girls who are to be born in this world or are untouched by the harsh reality of our society. We need to think about how we can give them safe environment so that they don’t have to worry about the amount of humanity in the man standing next to her in a bus. I think it is important to study the criminals. A criminal is not made in a day, neither is a rapist. It is the result of the tiny details that we ignore every day or may be simply laugh at them. It is not okay to make a tik-tok on the song which says “I’ll buy you the purse, only if you show me you boobs”. Today it is just a song, tomorrow people might start using to as a new normal. And this is not okay.

PILLAR GREY

वह pillar grey के नीचे बैठ...

सुबह से साँझ होते देख रहा था।

सब घर मे बंद थे...

कोई उन्हें देख ही नही रहा था।

वो बाहर सड़क के बीचो बीच pillar grey के नीचे,

आते जाते पहियों को बड़े ही ध्यान से देख रहा था।

बाकी तो और कुछ दिख ही नही रहा था।

वह pillar grey के नीचे बैठा बस यही सब देख रहा था।

सुबह से शाम होते…

बार - बार, देख रहा था।

What should we do in situations like these? Everybody is looking at it through his/her own understanding of what would be good for our country as a whole.

While taking in all what experts and others have to say about the situation, my mind is quite confused about the relationship of economy (or money) and people (or citizens, if you want to see them only in the context with the State). Which one of the two is more important? Does economy make people or people make economy? Can we place one over the other? Some people are suffering more than the other, is it because of their economic condition?

I am no way worthy or the right person to right about the pain of any other person. The above lines writing by me are the saddest part of the situation we are living in right now. I am clueless, if I should be happy about my privilege of being able to write in such situations or grieve about my own countrymen/women/children who lack it or are living it. 

What can education do?

There are so many things for which I and my father are not on the same page. But there is one thing. That is education. If there is anything that has given me and my sibling the privilege that I have today is only because of the fact that my father clearly understood the importance of his own education and then ours. I clearly remember that during shifting from one rental house to another, the number of books to be shifted was the major concern. However small was the size of the room that we lived in, books occupied the major space there. The happiness that he had when I expressed my wish to read a book was much more compared to when I wanted a toy.

I am writing this as there is so much hatred being spread for students or should I say particularly for those students who know their rights and know how to speak. This is not very new in our country. Very easily the new generation is accused of being rude, disrespectful and outspoken. Getting education is blamed to have spoiled us. Not speaking what is on our mind or not questioning our elders is our patriarchal way of living. This is true that nobody in power likes to be questioned, as this act somehow dismiss their power. For example – a political spokesperson went on to say that “PM (you all know who) baap hai is desh ka”. Do you see the similarity that how you are not allowed to question your father in most of the Indian households and now the PM too? In Indian society it is so deeply imbibed that it is considered to be culturally wrong. In the name of culture our women have suffered throughout ages. They have naturally started accepting the duty of keep the honour and pride of the man/ head intact. Children even after getting education of Ph.D. level are considered to be not capable enough to take their own decision.

There can be two reasons for this. First that our elders know how poor is the quality of our education that it cannot prepare us for real life decision. The second reason could be that they enjoy the power over us so much that they won’t lose hold of us. They feel it to be their right. Of what use is our education, if our voices are dismissed like they are nothing. I know that my father does not like when I disagree with most of his point of views or decisions. But he does not dismiss it right away, because he trusts the education he provided me. Also it is because he is well educated and knows how education can transform an individual.

Education did transform me. From what I can recall as a child, I felt that going against the set norm or from how majority works is wrong. From being bullied at school to then speaking my mind education changed me a lot. I can recall how I was hated and for speaking up for those who were bullied at school. I used to get disheartened at that age, when I was called names for doing so. They called me “Mayawati” and assumed that I would join a political party. It is funny that how no political party actually stands up for those who are bullied. On this day when I look back, I feel extremely happy that my education did not just stop at getting graded report card but also made me a better human and gave me voice to speak for others and not just for myself.

FREE. FREE. FREE.

It isn’t rare to hear – “ ye ladies ka pta nhi problem kya hai”, “ help kro toh dikkat na kro toh dikkat”, “ these feminists are too complaining”, “ itna kuch toh kr rhe hai aur kya kre inke liye”. Some of you might have passed comments like these or may be just thought of them in your head.  Well congratulations. All this while you were wrong in what you said and thought.

Let me come straight to the point. Delhi government made an announcement to make the metro and bus rides free for women. Applause… it is definitely a great thing to listen at first instance. But wait, think again. First question, why is such a decision taken? The answer could be coming up elections or the ideology of our selected representatives about women. This reminds me of the joke made on women and sale in shops. In both the possible why answers, it is clear that women are being seen as the easy targets and hence weak. While you are trying to be helpful (in my words- “partial”) to one particular group (in this case particular “sex” of the society) not only are you accepting the inequality between those groups but are also carrying forward the differences.

Men in our society definitely enjoy many liberties they are given access to by our society (it includes even women). But dear Delhi government not all men are born rich just like not all men rape. It would have been appreciated if students or old aged people or the public in general was kept in mind while taking the decision. After all you represent all the other sections of the society too not just women.

You said that you wanted women to travel safe. How is a free ride assurance for the safety? And clearly you don’t expect us to travel in metro/bus all day. We will step out of it. What about the safety from the place we are coming from and the place we are going to? How happy should I be about my safety for about maximum 2-4 hours I will travel? Wouldn’t it have been better if you talked about the other much more important concerns in your state? I am sure you have a long list of them, which you ignored very well and played gendered politics.

Marriage- A Social Politics Or Not?

आप ने ऐसा बहुत लोगों को कहते हुए सुना हो गा, कि “हमने तो सब कुछ किया। इतना पैसा लगाया। फर भी नही चली।”  How do I say that this is the whole problem why it did not work. Not saying that आपका पैसा किसी काम का नही है। but yes it need not necessarily be as useful, as you think it is here in marriage.

Parents today are saving money for two big events in their life. This is at least what I have noticed and you would see how futile their effort is in doing so. First is marriage. Yes you all knew about this one. Some of you might even have started saving themselves according to kind of celebration you would want on that one big day. Which is cool by every means. As it is being planned by you much before time from your own salary. It is amusing that how every next relative including your parents would constantly say that getting married might improve your life, bring you good luck and would make you a better person, being specific a better man. As it is said mostly for men. It’s funny that how by saying this they probably mean that the only good that is to happen in one's life is through this other person who they will marry. It might also be said that those who are right now the part of his life are the reason he is spoiled, is not a good person and these same people are probably the bad luck. Funny... right? That how they are making a case against their own selves.

“Hahaha धीरे धीरे सब सीख जाये गा।”

“तुम्हे कुछ आता क्यों नही है, कुछ सीखा नही।”

I don't need to tell which of the above sentence is for whom. It is like a job for which you bribe to get it. And then work, without even getting paid. But the good news ladies, you get the title - of being a wife of xzy. In simple language, it is not the job we choose to do and are happy doing. You just need to get a job. Because shadi toh krni he pdti hai beta, agr is samaj me rhena hai toh. I am not trying to show the gender inequalities here. Rather just pointing towards the entire social politics.

All I am trying to say is that don't try to compensate the certain things with money. Money could only help when you yourself are mature to be in a relationship. And parents if you think that your child is mature, let him/her manage it. But if no then, don't force it upon them. As it makes no sense then. Things don't need to be done just because they need to done. Doing them only when you are ready is a better way. Get yourself the job you want to do. Just suggesting.

The second thing I mentioned above are the expenses of the coaching centers.

ON BEING TAUGHT.

Education amuses me. Yes you heard it right it is amusing me more and more with every passing day of my life. I clearly remember my primary classes when very often the topic for writing an article on examination seat was “importance of education”. Not just I but most of my friends too started the article with the line saying “education plays a very important role in our lives”. It is now that I know is clearly does so, however I cannot say so for my classmates who wrote the same line on examination sheet. Oh no wait if you are thinking that it is important because I am now in that list of literate people of this country and will hopefully get a job, then you are wrong. It has done much more. For example: it has taught me how to be a girl, rather a good one; how saying yes to what others want from me and in that process just ignore the voice of my own just like a hot guy would ignore a fat girl standing right in front of him; and the best of all how should I feel stupid for addressing the elephant in the room (jise hum “ye toh ese he hota hai” bol ke, bar bar vahi cheez dhorate hai).

Let me very bluntly say what I have finally thought of as a possible solution to the gender inequality around us. It has become so imbibed in our lives that we happen to now take it as the right way of living. Yes I know it that all this mess is because how we have being thinking about gender roles in our society. Ok so here is a joke- women have different compartment in metro and Indian railway, their seats are reserved in parliament, and also we have only girl’s school and colleges, we have different que at every counter. All these steps have been taken in order to make women feel safe and equal and all of that bullshit. My only question is that how is she supposed to survive in the world which is obviously not only female, by being in schools and colleges made for women. The metro ride she takes for few hours in women’s coach is in no way helping her to escape the creepy eyes on her once she is out of the coach. So it is like travel in metro women’s coach and then find yourself a women’s college or school. Similarly to the old notions of first living under the eyes of your father and then you husband. Sometimes, however your brother could also take care of you in their absence.

I have seen parents getting their daughters admitted in girls institute in order to punish her. I mean wow… who came up with this idea. It is like being in an institute for girls only, your eyes will turn blind to the males on this planet. Grow up people, this is the only possible thing I have to say to you. I am dead sure that you who is reading it, might think how I am jumping from one thought to another so quickly in this article. Even I am feeling so.  It is just that we all want to be good. And the notions of being good as we are taught in our education system are clashing badly with what we aspire to be, what makes us happy and in which we are comfortable. Let us just be uncomfortable for a bit. So that it is no more like that soon.